i’m struggling. i’m fine until i’m not. it’s genuinely like i’m grieving. and i know, in reality, that i am. i am grieving the loss of what was. my former life. the plans we had made together. the plans i had in my head.
i wish he would change. i wish he would suddenly decide that he would want to settle down with me. but no, men aren’t like that. they never want to settle down. at least with me. no one wants to marry me and have children. is there something wrong with me?
i’m at a loss. i am on an emotional roller coaster. i can’t decide how to spend my days. i want to do things, but at the same time, i want to do nothing but lie in bed and cry.
i’m all out of tears. there’s none left to cry. i’m dried out. now i’m just lying in the corner, licking my wounds, hoping he’ll change his mind and come back to me.
but i know he won’t come back. there was nothing about me that would make him want to stay. and besides, i broke up with him. he didn’t end things with me. why? because the relationship worked for him. but it didn’t for me.
i’m scared that i’ll never find someone again. that i’ll be alone forever. or i’ll have to settle. endless first dates, boring sex, pretending to be someone i’m not. with him, i was true to myself. i was honest. always honest. i never once lied about anything, even when it was hard.
